• Alison Tennent

Songs Written From A Cell

A Fine Romance


Image by Manish Dhawan from Pixabay free from copyright

Have you ever wandered down memory lane humming along to tunes from your childhood and then stopped to consider the lyrics? For your listening pleasure, here are ten songs my brain ruined for me, which I thought I’d besmirch for you, too.

Charlene — I’ve Never Been To Me Hey lady, you lady, with the extra-wide hips and the early onset wrinkles? Before I head back to my private jet, I just had the need to humblebrag. Watching you wipe crud off your kid, I had a flutter of anxiety about not having a mortgage and a cheating husband of my own, and with only my “masseuse” to keep me company en route to my private island, had a brief maudlin moment. But then I did some lines as a pick-me-up and realised that in 20 years you’ll be divorced having lost your figure and all the money you spent on your kids. Salut!

Deniece Williams Let’s Hear it For The Boy My boyfriend is inarticulate, poverty-stricken and dresses accordingly, and couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. But he’s great in bed. So, for the sake of the orgasms, I’m staying, for now.

Tina Charles — I Love to Love I’m desperately horny, but haven’t quite figured out yet that the man I’m pursuing is gay.

Dr Hook — When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman My friends are all men who creep out — and on — attractive women — and so do I when my beautiful woman isn’t around. Since changing myself or my friends is too much hassle, I’ll hassle her instead.

Sting — Don’t Stand So Close To Me I took this job so I could hang around with teenage girls, then blame them when I hook up with them. So far, so good.

Debby Boone — You Light Up My Life Why can’t I keep a boyfriend? I’m a lot of fun. Hobbies include mooning miserably in the dark, staring out of my window hoping desperately that someone, anyone will have me. Literally any man is better than being alone. And then you turned up. Now I have invested everything in you. You’re it. You’re my life raft. If you leave me I will literally die. Never, ever leave me.

Sting (again!) — Every Breath You Take Every breath you take, I’ll be stalking you.

Cyndi Lauper I Drove All Night What do you mean you moved to another city to escape me? The concept of consent is super unromantic. You’re good with me molesting you in your sleep, right?

Blondie — Hanging On The Telephone Stalking you shows you that I love you. Do not listen to anyone but me. It’s not coercive control, it’s passion. I said I was sorry about the verbal abuse, let it go. I’m emotionally dependent on you and I will not accept responsibility for my actions if you don’t come back. Right now.

Paul Young — Wherever I Lay My Hat I’m being treated for several STDs and seeing a shrink about the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but only intermittently because I’ve been bed surfing for years with no fixed abode, so it’s hard to maintain healthcare relationships. I don’t know why women shun me when they discover the inner me, all I tell them is I’m deceitful, unavailable, unlovable and unfixable.

Why not add these to a saucy playlist and fire up the passion?

Have a romantic day.



Alison Tennent, Queensland, Australia, July 2021 Copyright Alison Tennent 2021, all rights reserved. Scottish by birth, upbringing and bloodline, Australian by citizenship. If you’re reading this anywhere but The Garrulous Glaswegian, Vocal+ or Medium, this work may have been plagiarized.




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